Reflections
by Rydia Highwind
Summary: FF2 / 4 Kain reflects on his actions atop Mount Ordeals and ponders what he should do about it.


---NOTE--- This originally wasn't supposed to be a romance, but I suppose it could be viewed as one. I happily support the couple. XP  
  
  
  
It wasn't easy for me to accept.  
  
I don't suppose it was easy for anyone, especially Cecil himself, but still. I think he feels alone now, even though he's completely surrounded by people that absolutely adore him; now, that when I look out at the night sky, only one moon shines down at me. Its difficult for him, I know it is. One look at that sincere face tells me everything.  
  
I'm relieved, I'll admit it. I know it wasn't his fault. I know it wasn't my fault. It was Zemus. Zemus, Zemus, Zemus. Damn him. But now that he and the others are gone, it makes me feel better. That's why I'm here. That's why I've secluded myself from them here on Mount Ordeals. I even missed Cecil's wedding. He wanted me to be best man...but I couldn't. I can't look at him without feeling heavy-hearted. It hurts.  
  
Cecil is too open, too trusting. But I saw his indecision, his pain, his shock. He couldn't accept Golbez. He couldn't forgive him. And now he's filled with his own anger for not doing so. He's almost too pure.  
  
But what makes me any different? If Golbez had grown up with us, would things have been different? Somehow, knowing Zemus was behind it still doesn't make things okay. That's why he left with FuSoYa.  
  
The same reasoning puts me here.  
  
How can I face the man whom I once called my best friend now that I've shed his blood with my own hands? How I can face the woman whom I once loved now that I've had her kidnapped to get her away from that man? How can I face any of them? How can I face myself?  
  
But I'm not like Golbez. I'm not running away. I'm staying here until I can be sure I'm strong enough to fend off someone's mind control. And then I'm going back there. I still love Cecil, and I love Kiraya. I want to be part of their lives. I want to see their children.  
  
I look down over the side of the mountain. In the far distance, I can see the tiny town of Mysidia looking out over the water. My eyes travel down the side of the mountain. It hurts me to be here and not in Baron. But I can't. This guilt is weighing me down, trying to pull me over the side of the mountain. Perhaps coming up here alone wasn't the best thing to do. Death seems suddenly tantalizing.  
  
"Stop it." The voice, although my own, startles me. I have to laugh at myself--my rebuking words almost startled me to the point of falling off the summit on accident. Sighing, I find a serration in the mountain's peak and sit down, swinging my legs over the edge and leaning back.  
  
I'm not like Golbez, I remind myself, staring at the world far below my feet. I'm not running away. "Damn it, I'm not like him!" I growl out. I'm not giving up now. I'm not running away.  
  
But it would be so much easier....  
  
I lean back against the rock and closed my eyes, massaging the bridge of my nose. "Stop it, Kain," I tell myself. "Cecil'd kill me if I jump off now."  
  
"I think you'd already be dead."  
  
I jump a little--as far as I knew, no one used this mountain for travel since the invention of airships. But the voice was familiar, the soft voice of the beautiful Rydia. The third to last person I want to see at the moment. "Go away, Rydia," I say, my eyes still closed. "I need to be alone."  
  
"Listen. From what I heard, you're trying to talk yourself out of jumping off of this mountain," Rydia says, and I am surprised to hear her voice break as if she was crying. I open my eyes and look at her. She is whimpering slightly, trying to hold back tears. "The last thing you need is to be alone. And I'm not going to deal with Cecil if you're dead. He's already shaken up enough with this whole Golbez deal."  
  
"Yeah. Golbez," I bite out, letting anger seep into my voice. "Hope he floats around up there forever."  
  
"You're so selfish!" she yells suddenly. "I know it's hard for you, but have you looked at Cecil lately? He's taking this harder than anyone! I mean, Golbez is his brother, for heaven's sake! Sure, you did some nasty things to your best friend, but what if Cecil was your brother? How would you feel then?" She's crying openly now.  
  
"Cecil...Cecil is like a brother to me." I stare down, feeling that guilt trying to pull me over the edge again. "The only brother I ever had."  
  
Rydia is silent for a long moment. Finally, she says, "Come here, would you? You're scaring me."  
  
"Okay," I respond meekly. I get up slowly and join her farther away from the edge. It feels good to be away from it, yet it still seems enticing. I stare back behind me, over the edge.  
  
To my surprise, Rydia wraps her arms around me and starts to cry again, into my chest. "Thank you," she sobs, her words muffled by my tunic. "Oh, Kain, what would we do without you? You know Cecil would have blamed himself if...."  
  
I find myself gently hugging her back and softly saying, "It's okay, Rydia. It's okay." But is it? I can't help but wonder what will happen once she leaves again.  
  
She sighed, the sobbing stopped but she still held me tightly. "Cecil knows you too well," she whispered, the tears still coming. "He asked me to come and find you because he was worried about you."  
  
I feel myself shudder a little. Rydia was right--if I had done anything, Cecil would be the first to find fault in himself. He does know me well, and he knows enough to worry about what I'm up to. I suddenly let myself melt into Rydia's embrace, sinking to my knees, burying my face in my hands, and feeling the guilt and doubt dissolve into tears. She never lets go; she just stays near me and holds me. Exactly what I truly need--not to be alone.  
  
When the tears finally stop, she is still holding me, cradling me against her body and stroking my hair. "Thank you," I manage to whisper.  
  
"Oh, Kain...why can't you just let us forgive you?" she murmurs in reply.  
  
I have to think about that. Why can't I? And suddenly, cradled in her arms, I know the answer. "Its because...because I can't even forgive myself. Why should I let anyone else?" The tears begin again, unstoppable and unrelenting. "Look at what I've done, Rydia. I tried to kill my best friend and steal away the woman he loves. And then I stole the last crystal and took off just when you guys needed me most. I was conscious the whole time. I'm completely aware of every move I made, Rydia. I just couldn't...I couldn't help it...I'm so weak...."  
  
"Oh, hush," she whispers. "You're dwelling on the past. I admit, it was a painful past, but we don't hold it against you. You need to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing you could have done. Golbez is an incredible wizard. No one could have fought him."  
  
"And yet he was possessed like nothing."  
  
"He is half Lunarian, making him susceptible."  
  
"But Cecil--"  
  
"Shh." She puts her finger over my lips, hushing me. "Listen to me. That feeling you had when you were about to go over, unless you believe me, you will live with that forever. And no one wants that. I like you much better when you smile," she tells me softly.  
  
I look back at the cliff. I go through Rydia's words in my mind. The cliff is there, holding it's easy escape, beckoning for my weak mind to bury itself at the bottom. I know what must be done now.  
  
Untangling myself from Rydia's embrace, I stand and walk to the edge of the stone summit. The trees on the ground far, far below are a huddled mass of green leaves jumbled together in a blur of life. I can feel Rydia's eyes on me as I stare at the bottom. I came here to strengthen my mind. Not to take the easy way out.  
  
"That's a long way down," I say. I turn back to Rydia, who is looking quite worried. I start toward her, holding out my hand. "Come on, let's take the other way down."  
  
Smiling, she takes my hand.  
  
  
OWARI 


End file.
